Guest post by Chad Campese. Chad is a father, husband, podcast host, author of the books Confession of a Christian Fraud and (Un)Following Jesus and works as a police officer in Central Ohio. With a BA in Christian Counseling and Psychology and extensive training and experience in Peer Support and Recovery, Chad is passionate about supporting positive change in first responders.
We need to be honest.
Too many lives, relationships, and families have been lost. So many more are just holding on.
Let’s stop lying to ourselves. The law enforcement life is not just stressful. It can be a destructive force that quietly erodes officers and families from the inside out, and a war that no one admits they’re fighting until they lose. It can take down marriages, steal identities, rewire personalities, and leave entire lives and households broken.
And while some see the uniform and applaud the hero, your family sees the fallout and pays the cost.
If you’re still reading, then you feel exactly what I’m saying. The emotional shutdown, irritability, numbness, and distance. The version of an officer, spouse, and parent who comes home physically but is emotionally unreachable. The truth is brutal.
The identity we were trained to wear, the invincible, hardened, emotionally vacant cop, can and will destroy us, and everyone we love. And still, we cling to it as if it’s all we have, know, and need. But it’s not. It’s something much different.
It’s the anchor pulling us and our families under. Officers are taught to be unshakeable, emotionless, and armored. Spouses are forced to be strong, steady, and patient, even as their homes quietly fall apart. And together, without ever intending to, we, the officers, our spouses, and our families become experts in silent suffering.
Your spouse sees the change long before you do. They feel the distance. They feel you slipping. They feel the emotional blackout. And yes, they’re terrified. Terrified of losing you physically, but more often, terrified because they’ve already lost you emotionally.
Everyone is exhausted, hurting, and pretending as they try to hold everything together. The family hangs on by a thread. And the truth is, that thread will break, eventually.
Why? It all boils down to one problem at the base of everything. It’s an issue of identity. That’s it. And there’s only one question that clarifies everything, and one solution that moves an officer forward. One solution, one answer, to change everything.
Officers, we are losing pieces of ourselves every day we pretend we’re unaffected. We’re losing our ability to connect, to feel, to love, and to see the truth of what’s happening inside our own homes. Your job, training, and current focus is not helping you survive your own life.
Your position, the badge, the career, those aren’t the problem. Nor is your supervisor, the department, or the profession. Though they’re easy targets for officers who can sometimes act like victims.
It’s the identity. The internal armor. The emotional barricade. The persona that refuses vulnerability, help, and connection. Who you were trained to become is not compatible with a healthy marriage, a peaceful home, or a meaningful life. And if you refuse to confront that, you and your family will pay the price.
Spouses, you’re not imagining it or overreacting. You’re not weak for wanting more. You’ve been asked to hold together a home built on the unstable foundation of broken identity. You’ve been expected to stay strong, patient, and quiet, while you keep smiling through a storm that may be ripping your family apart.
But you can’t save someone who refuses to acknowledge they’re drowning. You can’t live in a home where you have to translate silence and tiptoe around emotional explosions. You can’t carry the weight of a person who won’t take their mask off long enough to see that they’re not only breaking themselves, but your family as well.
Your pain, frustration, fear, and exhaustion are real. Pretending they don’t exist only makes the damage worse. You’re not selfish for demanding change, you’re fighting to save the family that is slowly slipping through your fingers.
The solution is simple. But the price is high. It will take a total transformation. And nothing will change until the question of identity is answered confidently.
You cannot heal “a little.” It can’t be fixed with a vacation, weekend off, or inspirational quote. You can’t keep clinging to the persona designed to keep you alive on the street that’s destroying everything at home.
The old identity, the one built on suppression, silence, and emotional shutdown, needs to go. It is outdated. It is corrosive. And it’s taking everything from you and all you love.
If you want to survive with your marriage, purpose, meaning, and direction intact, the old identity must die, and you must become someone new. You can become whole again, rebuild your relationships, and reclaim your life while still being the officer you’re proud to be.
You, your family, and your life matter. If you’re on the edge of burnout and despair, a better life, marriage, and a healthier version of you is possible, no matter how far gone things feel. I know, because I’ve walked this road myself. My family lived the internal war you’re fighting right now, and we’ve come out the other side. I was forced to choose, to answer just one question, or let everything I cared about fade away.
This is your line in the sand.
Your kids are counting on you. Your spouse needs you to follow through. This is the moment. Not tomorrow, not after the next shift, not when things calm down. Today. This minute. Choose the version of you who can actually breathe, connect, and lead again.
LET’S GO!
My offer costs nothing financially, but it will cost you the mindset, identity, and life you currently have. And it’s a price your family and your own soul is begging you to pay. Can I ask you the question, and then hand you the keys to the answer?
If this hits home, but you don’t think you can commit to that level of change yet, then please, reach out to a friend, peer support member, or counselor. Attend a conference like The Bridge, or Heroic Deeds. Join a program like Reboot Recovery, Mighty Oaks, or Save a Warrior. Read books like Vicki Newman’s or Kevin Gilmartin’s, or listen to a podcast like Jared Altic’s. Check out organizations like How 2 Love Our Cops, Proud Police Wife, and Bless the Badge. They’ll provide the catalyst to point you in the right direction. Then, we can get to the personal and deep work of staying consistent.
For those of you at the crisis point and ready to commit, let’s talk. My question WILL change your life. We’ll work through it together. And I’ll lead the consistency, connection, and accountability as we do. When you’re ready to get your life back again, lead your family, and transform without ever having to look back, I’ll be waiting.
But it’s only for the willing, for those who have no other option, know they can’t do this alone, can’t fake it anymore, and are willing to give up control. For a cop, that’s impossible. But for those ready to be a new person, it’s the only thing that brings life.
Email me at Chad.campese@gmail.com. Let me know where you’re at. And we’ll see if you’re a good fit for a pilot group meant for those ready to lose everything they’ve become, while they gain purpose, meaning, clarity, and a way forward that brings real restoration and life to themselves, their relationships, and everything that truly matters.
Need to know more about me first? You can read my articles here, here, and here. You can find my books here, and my podcast here, or you can connect with me on Facebook or LinkedIn. Feel free to ask me any questions, then, let’s get to work!
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